Parents - our enemies or allies?

If you have read my previous post (Religion – the disguised scam of human history) on my blog then you must have realized that I am bit of a critic when it comes to rejecting the common beliefs that people are following over the years. With this blog and the upcoming ones, your opinion towards me being a harsh critic will become stronger. I mentioned in the last blog that religion is the biggest scam and parents have played their part in scamming us when it comes to the significance of religion in human life.

Nevertheless, in this blog I am going to talk about some disguised scams that most of the people go through in their lives. These scams have been constantly used on the kids by their parents from their childhood intentionally or unintentionally. Most parents in a country like India are extremely obsessed with their kids. They are very critical of the fact that they don’t let their kids chose the wrong path. They are always on their kids’ shoulders watching them and hovering on their minds the whole time. Most kids in India are not self-reliant and can’t make crucial decisions in crunch situations. This is partly due to the kind of system they are brought up in and largely due to the disguised scam that they are kept in their whole lives.

This is the scam that most parents in the middle-class families have been successfully using to control their kids for a better future. At least this is what the parents think, ‘better future’. But I don’t advocate that thought. I think that they are making their kids more dependent and weaker than the kids who learn the different way. Over the years I have seen that parents impose certain decisions that are not or might not be good for their kids. But they still go ahead and take those decisions because they feel that this is the best thing for their kids.

It is so selfish of someone to take decisions on other’s behalf. I know that kids are not that mature in their thinking and they can’t take all the decisions on their own. But if you take every decision on your kid’s behalf then he/she might not learn to take solid decisions later in their lives.

It is not the parent’s fault here as I would like to go back a bit in time. It’s been the case with our society from the past thousands of years. We worship parents as God. This is not same in the western societies, so does that mean that they are not respecting their parents? No, they equally respect their parents in western societies as well. If it were the case in India that parents are given the designation of God, then from where the hell so many old age homes have come into existence.

Women have been deprived of taking their own decisions even in the most affluent of the families let aside the middle class. Situation in poor and lower middle-class societies is even worse. There is still a huge gap in the upbringing of a boy and a girl child in India where most of the decisions for girl are taken in some other sense than the decisions taken for the boys. People have such a pathetic approach when it comes to giving girl’s the choice of career, partner and life.

The scam that has happened with most of the kids from the past many generations and it will keep on happening in the future as well is ‘False Hope’. Parents are not open with their kids so that they can discuss the right scenario with them. They always show the slight gap of the window instead of showing the whole and clear path. I am not saying that it happens with all the people in our country, but it happens more often than not. 

On the contrary, I was very lucky to have parents who were so clear in their vision that they never took decisions for me and two of my other siblings. I guess they were also raised the same way as we were. They never imposed decisions on us and were always supportive of what we want to do with our life. My father hails from a business background and used to run a shop successfully. He never asked any of his kids to join him or do what he says. He always told us to choose what we like and not merely follow his path. I think he knew that this was the best way to approach when you have three kids.

I remember once in my childhood I decided to quit studies and only wanted to focus on Cricket. My father and mother were so open with me that I had the courage to discuss such a weird thought with them. (Weird in India but not in most of the countries as they give equal importance to sports and studies) When I approached them, my father said that he has no problem whatsoever and even suggested me to join a professional academy if I wanted to continue Cricket seriously. It wasn’t that my father was so liberal on everything. He was as strict as any parent in India when it came to studies. He made sure that we scored well and pass with flying colours. The fact was that he wanted us to do well and work hard in whatever we did. Whether it was studies or taking up a sport. On the other hand, when I started my career as a Trainer, I had to make some very hard decisions. My mother was the biggest pillar of support for me and one day she gave me these magic words of wisdom, “do whatever you like, follow your dreams, don’t focus on what people say about you”. These words have really encouraged me in my life and career and it continue to do so. When parents support you like this then no one can stop you from being successful.

Most parents in India have over the years given false hopes to their kids. When you are a kid, then they’ll say, ‘it’s only about the 10^th class, when you clear it, your life will be smooth’. Then the kid realizes that the life is not easy as my parents were telling me. Then the parents are like ‘you just need to clear the 12^th and prepare for the competition, then everything onwards will be easy’. Such a big lie it is. Then they tell you ‘once you clear your college and join a job then no one can stop you to lead a great life’. Then you come to know that the real struggle starts when you start doing a job or a business. After that, the parents will say that marrying and settling will improve your life greatly. Then they come up with this ‘have kids soon and then you’ll live the real life’. No doubt that getting a job, marrying and having kids are a wonderful experience of life. But this decision should not be imposed on anyone. Choosing studies, job, business, work, partner should be the choice of the person and not their parents. As parents are more experienced, they must certainly give their advice to their kids. But they should not pressurize their kids to do what they want.

When you do not let your kids chose their path and destiny, then they are not able to make decisions in their latter part of life as well. Those kinds of kids can never become good leaders because they were following their parents when they were kids. They will remain followers and will not be leaders in their life. By leaders I don’t mean the politicians, but leaders in whatever they do.

I am not criticizing the parents in this blog, but this is the time when they need to be more open with their kids. Sit with them, discuss things with them and make them realize that their decision is also important. Parents must give power to their kids in decision making and carefully observe from the background that whether they are doing well enough or not. If they are taking the wrong path, then parents can surely help them sort out the situation and guide them towards the right direction. But if you simply control them like a car then they can only reach as far as you want them to and not where they can.

I have seen the difference between the thinking of individuals and their decision making as well. I can very well see that how they were brought up and what problems they must have faced in their childhood due to the poor decision making of their parents. Why do we forget that everyone has their own life and how to live should be an individual’s decision and not any other person taking it for them? Why do so many parents want their kids to live their life in a certain way? Why do parents want their kids to achieve what their parents have decided for them? Why do parents want their kids to take up subjects that they think are better for their kids? Why do parents want their kids to behave in a certain manner?

Strictness will only lead to disaster. Kids are very prone to such activities that are restricted by their parents. They will be attracted to those things more that are kept away from them by their parents. Even if you stop your kids from taking up a certain hobby or a routine in their childhood, they will certainly take it up when they grow old or become older enough to take their stance.

Another scam that parents play with their kids is to praise them unnecessarily. Again, this happens a lot in India. Parents who say that their kids are the best, and they are on top of everyone, then they are not only putting excessive pressure on their kids, but they are also burying them under the burden of false hopes. I have seen many kids crumbling under the pressure of their parents. They are extremely talented, but they break down when they face failures. Because their parents had always termed them best and they simply can’t digest the failure and succumb to pressure of being the best.

Praising your kids is not a bad thing but it should be in a limited way. You must never make them realize that there is no one who’s better than them. Never make them think that they are the best and they can never fail. History has revealed that you never learn if you don’t fail in life. Failure is must when the kids are growing up. Failure will make them strong and better equipped. False hopes and unnecessary praise will make them weak.

Silencing your kids when they ask you logical questions is a steppingstone towards disaster. Don’t swing your kids from the reality, answer them sensibly when they ask you questions. Kids who question more are the leaders of tomorrow. It’s a human nature, no one likes too many questions. Because humans like to live in the fake world created by their ancestors, they don’t want to experiment and ask questions to their elders about certain aspects of life. Why do we keep on living the same way as we are told by our elders and as the history has suggested? People should always be liberal in the way they think, liberal in the way they live life, liberal in any aspect that can keep you happy. Many youngsters live under the tremendous burden and don’t want to question their parents. This will not help them, instead will worsen their plight.

If you don’t have the courage to ask questions to your elders and parents, then I have a very simple exercise for you. You start asking these questions to yourself for the better clarity in your life. What I am following? Why I am following something? Is it logical or just blind following? Is it worth following? Should I follow something else? Is my life purposeful? What is the purpose of my life? Am I living my life to the fullest? Am I being scammed by someone emotionally? Is religion for real in life? Is there God somewhere? Should I help the needy? Do I hate someone? Why I hate him/her? Is there a benefit in hating someone? Why I want to earn such a huge amount of money? Am I generous to everyone? Do people like me for who I am? Do people run away when I go somewhere? Do people ignore me for my behaviour? Am I well read? Do I read enough about life and the world? Am I contributing to my country or this world or the mother earth in some way? Am I contributing in my best friend’s or my family member’s life? Do I think about the day when I will die? Do I ever think that this life is a journey that is destined to end one day? Do I need to make a list of the things that I want to do or achieve before I die? Should I treat people better? Can I be more polite towards others? Do I need to get angry when someone zooms pass my car in the morning? Do I need to react when someone criticise me?

Asking yourself these questions everyday will bring a great transformation in you. I can write a book on answers for these questions, but you really don’t want my opinion on that. Trust me, simply ask yourself these questions every day and you will see tremendous change in your personality and attitude. You will observe that you start seeing things differently. You’ll become more rebel to traditions. You will become more logical. You don’t need a guide on how to become rational and matured in life. Simply put these questions on a paper and read them every day. You will start getting answers on your own. Those answers will help you lead a better and happier life.

There is no one who can take you out of the scams that you are surrounded with. It is you, your own conscience that can help you to get out of any situation and conquer your shortcomings.